Topher - Founder: Man of Tea
It happened the first time while walking through our local grocery store - something I had done hundreds, if not thousands of times before. Floor started feeling tilted, ears felt like they popped a little, my eyes darted around the large fluorescent box store bouncing between fresh vegetables and fruits, to the bakery at the end trying to land on something they could focus on. Nothing. I pushed the cart for about 5 minutes like this, wondering how I could tell my wife, who was pushing our infant child, that I might be having a stroke? A heart attack? God knows what? Instead, I told her that I needed to sit down because “my head felt funny”. I chugged some almond milk thinking that I might have low blood sugar and chilled for a few minutes before ultimately heading to the car to lie down. At this point I didn’t think I was in immediate danger of dying (lol) but I still had no idea what the fuck was happening.
After a handful of appointments; doctor, eye, heart, and even a brain scan (which did reveal a benign cyst that I have had since birth), the most likely cause of this such event, and many more to come, was in fact stress. I had experienced a panic attack due to anxiety and high stress. I was running a startup that had recently hired people for the first time and I had a young child at home so wasn’t sleeping much, stress was common, but this experience was very new to me.
Prior to this event I had always assumed I was able to handle stress remarkably well. Growing up I remember one of my best mates being envious of my ability to seemingly never show any signs of stress or panic in any situation. Granted, growing up, our stress probably meant we got a flat tire on our bike, or ran out of gas in our parents car, so maybe my barometer for stress was poorly calibrated. Even still, I thought I was immune to anxiety and stress. When I thought about someone that suffered from anxiety I was likely to picture the kid in a cartoon who was covered in hives and always itching. Or the person in movies that had so many allergies (food, etc.) they couldn’t eat anything or do anything. Now I was part of this tiny group of misfits that can’t go outside or attend lunches or anything? Fuck.
It probably wasn’t until a year after that initial panic attack that I had this diagnosis. As I mentioned, I went to the doctor a handful of times, waited for tests (getting an MRI takes a long time when its not an emergency) also side note: I am in no way a hypochondriac and probably more likely take after my father’s approach which is to avoid health related interactions as much as possible, especially dentists. So this rotating door approach of trying something and then reporting back and trying something else was, to put it bluntly, shit. Eventually the doctor decided that it wouldn’t hurt to prescribe ‘light drugs’ as ‘just in case pills’ and to refer me to a therapist. This was the first time we concluded that it might be anxiety and panic attacks, and to be honest I was just happy that there seemed to be a solution on the table. I went home and told my wife, and talked openly for the first time, about this reality.
I don’t know what I was expecting, or why I was nervous about this news, but to my surprise, (I now know it was ridiculous for me to feel this way) she was not shocked or disappointed nor did she look at me any differently or think that I was less of a man. Again, I now know that this is an absurd thing to even consider, but at the time these were all things I feared.
After telling my wife, I felt that I had confided in the only person necessary and I continued to operate my business (with two other co-founders) as if I had experienced nothing at all, and was not dealing with and prescribed medication for anxiety. Bad idea. I continued to have panic attacks. They would come unannounced and at the most annoying of times. Times that now in hindsight are perfectly predictable, but at the time would derail meetings, lunches, walks with my daughter, etc. The worst experience I can recall was once sitting on a panel that I was flown in for to be a part of. As soon as the microphone was handed to me I went into a full panic attack. I have no idea what I said, I think I just excused myself and passed the microphone to someone else and tried to drink water (which for some reason, when having a panic attack is annoyingly hard for me - picture Donald Trump and the two handed water drinking). I don’t think I answered much on that panel that day and after it was done I went straight back to my hotel and laid down angry at the fact that I couldn’t just man up and snap the fuck out of it. I left Newfoundland that evening pissed off but more importantly wondering what the best approach should be, given that I have responsibilities and that I couldn’t let this get in the way of my job.
The next week I decided that I should probably tell my business partners (co-founders) about this experience and my general struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I have to add a couple things here. 1. Startup culture at the time was at the height of the “hustle” mindset. The key to success, seemingly, was to work as many hours as possible, sleep only if absolutely necessary. 2. Both my co-founders (exemplary human beings) regularly would ask how I am doing with the stress of work, a new family (baby), and how I felt about our financial situation both personally and at work. Every time I would maintain a stoic facade thinking that this was the manliest way to approach the issue and would emulate good leadership. Wrong again. This is why coming clean on my “disorder” was difficult. Regardless, I had to do it.
Again, this fear was completely unfounded and immediately following the chat I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not only did I feel like I was sharing the responsibility of my stress more appropriately, but I also felt like I had diffused one of the sources of my anxiety. This was a win. However, what I realised through having this conversation, that was different from the chat with my wife, was that firstly, these two men did not have unconditional love for me (although one did introduce me once at a conference as his soul mate…more on that later I’m sure) yet they held no judgement towards what I was saying, and had nothing but reassurance on why this was not an issue. Secondly, they each could relate to what I was feeling/going through and each had examples in either their own lives, or with people they knew. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts (too often leading to actual suicide) were not just reserved for a small group of people that didn’t fit in. But these issues can be found almost everywhere in any group. I didn’t know this because no one was talking about it openly. People only shared these things, if they shared them at all, in private inner circles and it wasn’t until I started telling people about my own experiences that people would say things like “oh, I also struggle with anxiety” or “last week I had a panic attack” or, in some cases, would share past trauma they had, and how that had affected them mentally.
After realising that so many people are quietly, or in many cases, secretly dealing with their own mental health challenges or trauma, I decided that I would be open about it. I have found that the best tool for combatting a panic attack is to address it head on, by talking about it - so much so that now when I get my hair cut, each time I remind my barber that I occasionally get panic attacks, and for some reason getting a haircut can trigger this (maybe the buzzing of the clippers or the moving of my head) and if I close my eyes while he’s cutting my hair, he knows not to talk to me or get weirded out (maybe he’s weirded out, but who gives a fuck, he still gives me a good hair cut).
The point is, talking is important - I started a tea company during the pandemic (Man of Tea) to fill a gap in the market by providing high quality great tasting herbal tea with ingredients that are known to help men both physically and mentally (using ayurvedic medicine, functional mushrooms, etc.). But more importantly, we wanted to draw attention to the fact that men don’t talk about how they are feeling enough. We tend not to share our fears, our responsibilities, our traumas, our addictions, the things that are stressing us out, and in many cases, things that are causing us anxiety, driving us towards substance abuse, triggering panic attacks, or contemplating suicide. We have this bullshit belief that keeping things bottled up is manly and strong, when in fact it takes a strong man to admit that they need help with something, especially when it's something you can’t physically see like mental health. Our mission now is to help spread this narrative, get people sharing their stories, and get men talking. What better way to talk to someone than to share a cup of coffee tea (hot tasty drink that doesn’t make your heart race) and be real with a mate (that means friend).
To accompany the tea company (Man of Tea) we started a podcast where we sit down with other men, and women, and share stories about mental health challenges, dealing with addiction, dealing with suicidal thoughts, loss, grief, all the things that men should be talking about more but tend to steer away from. We are trying to show that talking with friends can be therapeutic and can help lift the weight off your shoulders, that being vulnerable is ok, sharing feelings should be praised not shamed and, most importantly, we want to redefine what it means to Man Up. We believe that being vulnerable and sharing your story is the true definition of what it means to Man Up. It might even save someone's life.
Learning to #ManUp,
Topher
P.S. I still get panic attacks occasionally, although I now know what they are. I’m no longer embarrassed or afraid of them so they are actually less severe now (unless I’m hungover). If this message resonates with you, or you think a friend could benefit from reading this, then please share. I know that my experience may seem tame or not worthy of any attention, and I wholeheartedly disagree. I have a close friend who has a much heavier story than I do (read trauma and drug addiction) who you will meet if you listen to the podcast. He and I have talked about this a lot and he agrees that his story can be harder to relate to than mine. They each have a place and an audience. The whole point here is to help men (or anyone) realise that what they are dealing with is not, and should not be dealt with alone.
Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/show/1jK7vdTdvULeHDpDuNOVUq
Apple Podcasts:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/teatox/id1665936196